Lilacs and Peonies

Its been a long time since I've had chance to write a blog. With a divorce and a house move underway, I've also had to change my name and change my will and at times I've forgotten which solicitor is dealing with which problem! So far we're in the final stages - the divorce is signed and sitting and waiting for the court to complete it. My name has changed back to my maiden name and I am currently trying to make all the different agencies aware of this - with varying degrees of success. My will is changed and I now know that should anything happen to me my brother will be looked after. The house sale is in its final stages and I am half packed, half not and waiting for that ever elusive completion date. I am also coming towards the end of my academic year - last pieces of work due, last presentations and all of a sudden everything seemed to be rushing towards a conclusion and I couldn't see how I was going to get from here to there. The amount of work and the amount of time to do it in just doesn't seem to compute!

Then a couple of Fridays ago I decided to add MS to the mix. I had been bumbling along in my own inimitable fashion and had even managed to add in the odd week away with friends in an avoidance of the hard work to come. As friends will tell you, I am not very good at learning the obvious - the only way to the other side is through.
I had been into hospital on the Wednesday for a phenytoin infusion. I have one every 12 weeks to make a difference to my pain levels. The normal routine is to go in and have an afternoon hooked up to a drip with saline and phenytoin where I read and then fall asleep as the drug makes itself felt. It can vary from treatment to treatment. Sometimes I barely notice it going in, can talk to others, read a book and be fully coherent till I get home. I go to bed a bit earlier and then wake up the next day as good as new. Other times it can be painful going in. The drug can feel cold as it goes into the vein and then create a huge ache that runs up the vein and into the shoulder and then up the side of the face. Mostly its bearable and only lasts about an hour, other times its extremely painful and I have to ask for breaks and for it to slow down. This particular Wednesday the doctor remarked on how small the vein was and decided to run it slower than normal. It was still painful and we had the slow the drip down several times until I was comfortable. I felt very sleepy and came home, had the munchies and waited for my friend M to arrive and watch me for 24 hours. I got through Thursday quite well but still felt stoned. I was telling people very indiscreet stories and had to be driven to go out for a family meal because my pupils were so big they were take over my whole eyes!
Then on Friday things very suddenly got worse. I had been bright and breezy in the morning, even managing a little packing. Then in the afternoon I seemed to hit a wall of fatigue. I remember sitting in the couch with a cuppa and seemed sleepy. Then I realised someone was shouting my name but I couldn't seem to respond. It was like I'd forgotten how to speak and I kept trying to open my eyes but my eyelids felt like lead. Ie simply could not respond. I remember a strange doctor coming in and shining a light in my eyes but again seemed stuck somewhere inside myself. Then an ambulance came and nothing they did seemed to make me respond. I don't know where I was, but I wasn't in the room!
This lasted for 3 days. I could not stop sleeping. Even sitting up to eat seemed an effort and all I could imagine every time I tried to sit up was lying down and shutting my eyes. My doctors decided the only way to bring me back was with steroids. It wasn't until 5 days later that I could fully open my eyes and see one person instead of 3. It was scary. I still slept between every meal and started to walk but on two crutches. The stiffness and pain in my neck started again and diazepam was the only drug that seemed to leave me comfortable. It took a full week in hospital before I could come home. Today is my first day I have been alone overnight and into the morning. I am unsteady on my feet and between a half hour of activity I can only lay down and sleep again. It is such an improvement in such a short space of time, but one hell of a wake up call for me on what my body needs.
How do learn to live a life like this? This morning I realised that there is an analogy, as usual in nature. My favourite flowers are lilacs and peonies. I have a lilac bush in the garden and this morning I could not resist using the time I was upright to snip a few stems and put them in a jug where I can enjoy them in the house. I have always liked to have lilac and peonies in any garden I have had and people have said to me 'what's the point; all that work and they only flower for two weeks of the year'. Yet, surely that's the point. I look forward to lilac and peony season every year. I don't grow peonies here but make sure that while they're in season I buy myself at least one bunch to enjoy. They feed my soul.
My life is like this. It may seem stuffed full of the awful paperwork and emotional heartache of the breakdown of my marriage and the bittersweet decision that I can no longer afford or look after this beautiful house. At the moment I am really going through it, but sometimes in life it is peony and lilac season and those few weeks of bliss are worth waiting for.