This Isn’t Everything You Are
I am writing an essay this morning and listening to music.
Music has such a powerful emotional hold on me – it makes me smile, laugh and
often cry with very little warning. I wonder sometimes, when going through hard
times how we cope until we get to the other side. My writing group pulled me up
short on Thursday morning, and I love it when that happens, it usually teaches
me something very valuable. We are working towards creating a recovery blog and
I had written an exercise to inspire us into coming up with a name. My exercise
asked people to imagine what recovery looked like for them and to write down
any words or images they associated with it. There were many wonderful images
of sunshine, spring flowers, rainbows, silver linings and journeys coming to an
end. Then I was challenged. Surely recovery isn’t just about getting there – it’s
about the journey itself. When we climb a mountain there is an incredible
feeling as we reach the summit, but everything we have learned about ourselves
came during the climb. A recovery journey has ups and downs and the group were
in an emotional place where they were deep in the struggle, not looking back on
it. This led to some beautiful imagery of boats bobbing on the tide but not
going under, of hope trees and rollercoasters. The trick is in learning to
dance while it’s raining, not waiting for it to stop.
I have been in a similar place myself and this challenge
from my wonderful group made me go home feeling thoughtful. My house has now
sold and my divorce moves forward slowly and I had been thinking how much I wanted
a Star Trek style transporter to zap me from here to when I am settled in my
new house, with all the legal and financial wrangling behind me. The sheer
physical effort of packing everything and choosing what to take and what to sell
also fills me with dread. I just don’t need it. I want the end result, but I
don’t want to do the work – a big theme in the way I deal with life. I avoid
obstacles and difficulties by substituting something else, swerving to avoid
them or blocking them altogether. I know I need to go through it; I just don’t
want to.
This made me think about how we do go through these periods
of transition, when you are completely out of step with the world because it
has changed all around you or because everyone else is carrying on as normal
while your life has changed beyond all recognition. I was reminded of it this
morning when I saw a Macmillan advert while eating my breakfast and watching
TV. It showed a person being told they have cancer and then falling to the
floor, and then it showed all their friends and relatives in their ordinary
everyday settings falling to the floor. I know those moments. When something is
seared into your memory forever; an instant where everything after will be
different. They are like snapshots of your life. The things in your life that
will run like a film in your head just before the moment you die. It could be
the moment a baby is born, the day you are told you have an incurable disease,
the day you meet the love of your life or the day they die. How do we survive
these moments?
The song that I listen to when I feel like this is Snow
Patrol’s ‘This Isn’t Everything You Are’. I do not have any background to the
song, but from the lyrics I always assume it is about the loss of someone very
important in your life. The words suggest a difficult or strained relationship
where the singer isn’t sure of whether they want to be there or not. He describes
all those day to day grievances that prevent us from understanding each other:
who loves who more, who last picked up the phone or made contact. Then comes
the moment of change and the world implodes. Everything is stripped away to the
basics and he has to remind himself not to keel over. The only thing we can do
in these times is ‘take the hand that’s offered/and hold on tight’. It is a
time when we can’t manage alone. It reminds me not to plough on alone
pretending everything is ok and lean on someone until I can stand upright
again. The final lines of the song are the most hopeful and I keep them in mind
when it feels like I’m never going to get to the end of this particular tunnel:
‘there’s joy not far from here/I know there is/ This isn’t everything you are’.
I have a huge climb ahead of me still, but at least I’m
looking in the right direction. I think in all those hard moments of life it is
important to keep in mind that ‘this isn’t everything you are’. When I’m
filling in my divorce petition and feeling low about myself I can think that
there is more to me than this. When I’m wrangling over finances and my future I
can keep in mind that this isn’t all my future is going to be. It is a mantra I
can apply to every difficult aspect of my life – I am not just my MS, I am not
just a divorcee, I am not just a widow. Behind all these experiences is the
true authentic me that may be a bit battered and broken, but still exists. I
may not be dancing in the rain yet, but at least I’m standing upright.
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