Understanding Withdrawal

In my work with people in recovery I have come across many different forms of addiction and yet it is only recently that I have come to understand I am an addict myself. Withdrawing from Nabilone over the past few weeks has taught me that not only was I addicted to this drug; I have been and am addicted to many of the others that keep me going. My withdrawal from Nabilone has been tough, but I never once wavered because I knew it was the right thing for me to do with this particular drug. I can handle feeling a bit sleepy or dopey, but this drug really did split me down the middle.
After a week of not taking it the pain seemed to tail off slightly. I did a visualisation exercise to deal with it and it seemed to help. I would lie there and really think about the pain I was feeling; was it constant, or did it change? I thought about whether or not it felt like cold, or heat; whether it stabbed or throbbed; whether it stayed in one place, or whether it wavered? I then asked myself to stay with it for one minute, then another minute, and if I could get through those minutes could I get through a few minutes more. I felt it so I could work out what other things I could try to relieve it. For the pain in my back that runs like freezing cold water down my leg and into my foot I tried moving around, and not moving around so much. I tried cold bags of peas, then hot water bottles, and massaging it. I learned that moving around was necessary once in a while, but there is definitely a limit to how far I should walk! I found out the thing most likely to aggravate it was standing still for long periods, in queues or ironing for example. Cold made things much, much worse whereas heat seemed to mellow it out. Also taking bog standard paracetamol between morphine doses helped because it just kept the pain at a level I could cope with, but didn't make me drowsy.
The pain in my neck and shoulders has been more difficult to deal with. I found that it started with a feeling of pressure in nape of my neck and up under my base of my skull. This was brought on by things like typing, sewing, getting cold on the back of my neck, and the shoulder was made worse by anything that needed a rotating movement or a reaching movement. Repetitive movements were worst and made the pain radiate down my arms and lodge behind my elbows like misplaced toothache. I found that heat worked really well on all areas of pain in my body and on some days during withdrawal I had three or four hot water bottles on various parts of my body, but I also found out that as soon as I put one on the back of my neck I was guaranteed to fall asleep.
The only pain that has seems untameable is behind and around my knee joints. I have some wear and tear to both knee caps but nothing that would explain the swelling that makes my knees feel like they're going to explode when I suddenly bend them and kneeling down is a no no. My steroid injections have lasted 6 weeks and that just doesn't seem long enough. So, they're still in the discovery stage at the moment. They are the main reason I find it hard to walk my dog and that really pisses me off.
Other than the pain coming back and having to learn how to deal with it I didn't suffer too many difficult withdrawal symptoms. Although the changes in my mood and cognitive ability took a while to disappear and made me more aware of problems with the other drugs in my life.
I have often laughed about the fact that if I'd ever had to buy codeine (because a script was late) they warned me it might become addictive after three days, and the look on their faces when I said I'd been on it ten years was priceless. I never really thought that through, just accepted it because what was the other option? Of course once the morphine came along I couldn't take codeine anymore and I had a few weeks of sickness, loss of sleep and headaches as it came out of my system. I was swapping one addiction for another. Then there are the other, nerve blocking drugs and occasional steroids that have their own side effects; my three - four stone weight gain is beside the point on some days but is all I can think about on others. I have one idea of how I look and then I catch sight of myself in a mirror and wonder who the plump middle aged woman is? If I miss an amitriptyline I don't sleep at night, at all. If I miss a pre-gablin it only takes around three-four hours for a feeling of doom to come over me. I wonder what is wrong, and can go through everything in my life to rationally work out why I'm worrying. A few hours later and I could put my head in the oven! I missed both of these drugs in the aftermath of withdrawing and really wished I could get my head together. Important bills went unpaid, dogs went hungry till they made their feelings clear, and on one occasion went to the doctors for an appointment to find that I wasn't supposed to be there. It took me days to realise I should have been next door at the dentist's and now owed them £35.
As things started to calm down I watched a few episodes of Nurse Jackie to catch up on the series. In the final episode she had been sober for a whole year and had a patient with end stage cancer and HIV who was also a recovering addict. I was moved and shamed by his integrity in wanting to meet his death without pain relief in his system. He was an addict and addicts don't take drugs whatever the circumstances. I wondered at the bravery of someone facing death who still wanted to stick to his pledge that he would never go back to the man he was before. It made me think about my own drug taking habits; if a drug is prescribed does it make me any less of an addict. I know I am an addict because without those drugs I would go crazy - not just because of the pain but because I am addicted to the substance and any length of time off it makes me sweaty, depressed, paranoid and anxious. Yet, how do I come off it now?
I guess the line to draw is that you don't take the drug when your illness and circumstances don't warrant it anymore. When you've stopped taking it for the original problem and are now taking it for the side effects of being high. I have diazepam in the house, it is on repeat prescription but I only take it when my symptoms dictate; usually when my neck is completely rigid and, like Dale Winton, I am having to move my whole upper body just to shake my head or turn my neck. I also have oramorph in the house for emergencies, but I haven't taken it for the past few weeks and have been relying on paracetamol instead. Many people have said they would just give in already. They would sit in the house, watch TV and read, take all the drugs prescribed and feel totally pain free. To an extent my pain consultant agrees; 'we do not give you these drugs so you can go away and climb Everest' he says 'we give you them so you are comfy in everyday life'. I know what he is saying and for me it would be the easier route, but I can't do it. I have to be out in the world and developing myself, learning more, creating more and being more. So, for now at least, I will continue to try and walk that fine line with a clear head, and get to the right appointments and on time.