Challenge

People come into our lives and teach us lessons. What may feel like one of the worst times of our life can become, in hindsight, a huge turning point that guides us towards where we need to be. I’m sure many of us have heard these sayings or platitudes, but just because they seem clichéd doesn’t mean they’re without truth.

I wouldn’t wish the tough year I’ve gone through on anyone. However, I also wouldn’t return to the time just before my husband walked out, because that time was confusing and painful and I had lost myself trying to become someone my husband could love. I didn’t know then that he couldn’t love anybody, not in the way I understand love. I was lonely and often felt completely worthless, especially if he had one of his rages that came out of the blue and often for things that seemed so petty to me. I couldn’t understand his level of anger or the twisted logic that got him to that place. He often thought people were laughing at him, or trying to make him look foolish or that I was talking down to him and interfering with his business.

My illness embarrassed him. He didn’t like me to leave tablets lying around where people could see them. It was our business, he said, people didn’t have to know everything. For a while I thought it was just stress or adjusting to all the changes in his life; moving house, getting married, selling his business. It was nothing to do any of these things. He had a general dissatisfaction in life that would surface and leave him unable to cope with other people. He would become argumentative about the slightest thing, sharp and even abusive with other people. Sometimes he would ignore I even existed and would become nothing more than a housemate, unable to communicate or move from his ‘office’ where he would use Facebook to leave controversial statuses or start arguments on other people’s threads. The aggravation tactics would continue with me when he could; if we watched a rugby match he insisted on cheering on the opposing team, he would denigrate my home town or my family hoping for a reaction. At family gatherings he would poke fun at his son’s beliefs and life choices hoping for an argument or at least to make someone else feel bad. He seemed to feed off the anger he created almost like some sort of vampire, but instead of blood he needed anger to feed him.

He finally sniffed out the one thing he could do that would press the destruct button on our relationship. He then did it and walked out of our marriage. That was 18 months ago and since then I have been working out what went wrong and how I made such a bad choice. I am now settled, in my own home, with my animals and have built a great life. I understand my mistake and know how it was related to the state of bereavement I was in.

At the end of the divorce process I went away with my friends to Northumberland for a week. We took the dogs and I visited some of my favourite haunts. I had also set up a meeting with an old friend I hadn’t seen for 18 years. We’d been in touch through the blog and at first I have to admit I had made the mistake of thinking it was a ‘romantic’ meet up. I wasn’t ready for it really and had been increasingly nervous the closer we came to meeting. It turned out that he had no romantic intentions, which was disappointing at first, but it seemed he did want to be friends. We talked all day (so much that I burned dinner) and I felt really challenged by some of his questions. We shared our life stories really and I was surprised at how open we could be with each other. Yet, he did make me nervous, partly because of my mistaken perception of his intentions, but also because he didn’t just sit back and pour his soul out like a lot of people do – especially when they know what I do for a living – he asked questions about me. One of those questions was ‘what is the most interesting thing you’ve done?’ First of all I misconstrued the question and was looking for something exciting. After several years of being ill with MS and my various other diseases, then nursing my husband Jez till he died, then having another disastrous marriage, I didn’t feel I had done anything interesting. Apart from my English lit degree, everything I had done in life was for someone else.

I went away from this meeting feeling upset and a little bit depressed. On one hand I felt a fool for mistaking his interest and needed to question why this was so important to me. Then on the other hand, I needed to think about why I was 40 and had no answer to a simple question about what I had done in life. This was a challenge and I didn’t like it one bit. I don’t think it was intended as a challenge but it took someone who hadn’t seen me for a while to notice that my potential was not being used.

I am not saying I never did anything in life. I had worked in mental health for 15 years and had written a book about my experiences nursing my husband to help others in the same difficult role. What this conversation did was give me permission. My friend told me it was okay to do stuff for myself and also maybe it was my time. Time for me!!! So what have I done with this realisation? I am finishing my counselling qualifications and I am thinking of starting my own business linking my mental health and English literature qualifications. I am working as a writing therapist for a living and making links to other organisations that would like the service. I am signed up to take my qualifications for teaching adults. I have been asked to start book clubs in a couple of different venues and I can honestly say I love every bit of the work I do.  I am rarely bored and I am meeting new people all of the time. I actually feel like I am creating a new life, for me, and this feeling is born out of those difficult times and that challenge.

People come into your life to teach you something. They are not always there for the purpose you expect, but they have a role. That role might be to comfort you, or to support you but it could also be to question or challenge you. The experience might feel negative at the time, but it can in hindsight be an incredibly valuable experience. My close friends and family love and support me, but would never have been able to say to me what this person said. Maybe they did say it and I just couldn’t hear it. It had to be the right time and the right person. Now I have taken up that challenge and I am running with it.