A Resting Place

So I am here. After many months of wrangling, worrying and wondering if it would ever happen I have finally moved house. The last three and a half months have been nothing but activity – from the basic but gargantuan task of packing up a four bedroom house, to the endless legal appointments, and the downsizing. I have held sales, sold things on ebay and given away whatever was left to friends and charity.

Moving in was equally exciting, physically exhausting but positive. I could go and buy a new kettle or choose pictures for the walls. I laid awake some nights full of equal parts excitement and worry – one minute I would imagine the deal falling through at the last minute and the next I would think of where I would put my writing bureau. I didn’t have a full night’s sleep in the final week and the worry stopped me doing the basic things that help me stay balanced physically and mentally. I simply didn’t have time to walk the dog, or eat properly or get my prescription in on time. There were nights I went without the right tablets so popped up like an excited meerkat at 3am. Other nights I couldn’t get to sleep till I took diazepam and then felt groggy and out of touch all the next morning. Every nerve in my body was on tenterhooks and I kept saying to myself ‘when I get in the new house..’ after listing everything I needed to do better. I was hard on myself of course because I always am. Really I was only doing my best.

Then I got here and it was like a weight lifted from my shoulders. Of course lack of sleep and over excitement meant I broke my fingers dropping a picture in the first ten minutes I was there. It is quiet here. Not literally as quiet as my old house where I had no neighbours but there is a tangible calm. It is like going to Cornwall where the pace of life seems slower. Coming home is like going on holiday. It has changed some of my habits too. Instead of switching on TV at any old time and watching any rubbish that’s on, I think more about what I want to watch and only switch it on then. I listen to more radio and music, because I am cosier and in a much smaller house so a CD on in the sitting room is easily heard when I’m in the bath. I didn’t put a TV in my bedroom and I have internet access upstairs so when I am watching TV I really watch it, instead of watching with one eye and playing Bejewelled Blitz with the other. I think I have been working on overload for so long it was no wonder I recently relapsed in the spectacular way I did. Yes, sometimes these things just happen, but other times it is easy to see where I have made life difficult for myself. This time the divorce, the house move and all of those things were unavoidable, but the way I dealt with them wasn’t always helping. It is often easier to overload the brain with technology and sound rather than listen to your thoughts. It is hard to motivate yourself to cook good healthy meals for one or to get up and exercise every day.

I am hoping the quiet and shelter of my new home will be beneficial to me physically and mentally. It will give me the space to get over the changes in my life, but also foster a new way of living my life. Just so my friends don’t think I’m getting too zen and out of character I am having the excitement of New York City for a week’s holiday. Well, you can’t be quiet all the time can you?