Looking Forward

‘Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction’. Antoine de Saint-Expury

We talked a little bit in my recovery writing group this week about the need to look forward. I am always reminded of the quote by Antoine de Saint-Expury about looking outwards in the same direction rather than gazing into each other’s eyes. It is advice I now believe in strongly when it comes to marriage and it is often the same in friendships. True friends that we can count on are often people who might have different pasts, but who are moving forward in the same direction and from the same standpoint. It is that outward direction which can be so important in recovery. I have had a small relapse in the last couple of weeks and have been walking on crutches – it is always a difficult reminder of MS lurking, quietly behind everything I do. It is an opportunity to reflect though, between the relapse and the snow I have had a lot of quiet thinking time. Looking forward though, is as important to me as maintaining my baseline. I want to live life as fully as possible within and sometimes beyond my limits. I know I am never going to climb Everest or run a marathon – they would be stupid, unrealistic goals. However, I know I can write my blog, write a book, enjoy trips to the theatre and the cinema, chill out down in Cornwall and even see New York and Florence. By pacing myself, planning, saving and accepting help where necessary I can do all of these things. I am also never short of a companion on these outings, because I am blessed with many friends who are looking outwards in the same direction.

This spirit of adventure has of course lead to some disasters. There was the 24 hour trip to Cornwall, which started by standing around in a field shivering and drinking, rather suspect, Polish liquors and ended with a loss of temper and an inflatable mattress being flung into a hedge. There was another holiday where I spent 24 hours being sick into a waste paper basket and was attacked in the middle of the night by a killer moth. There was a haunted cottage, a wonderful holiday village ever after called ‘The House of Wonk’ (never a good thing when you’re already off balance) and the time I sat on a man’s head on a train. There have also been incredible experiences though. I remember a wonderful walk on a beautiful sunny day to Kynance Cove and Trebah beach. There was the joy of finding Frenchman’s Creek, seeing Chicago on Broadway and a little scream of delight watching Justin Timberlake dancing live on stage. Even the cock-ups are funny after the fact – such as the night a cat tried to climb through a skylight onto my friend’s bed in the middle of the night, or the time we had a five minute trip to Harrods because we misread the opening hours and thought it was about to close. The doorman opened the door, we went down the escalator, came back up the escalator, and the doorman let us out again – and we did it all with a shopping trolley, not sure Harrods has ever seen one of those.

Looking forward to something is so important in recovery, because it gives me something to aim for and a reward for the hard work getting there. People may think I’m indulgent or spoiling myself and in some ways I am lucky. I don’t have anyone else to think about, just me, so if I want to live on baked beans for a week so I can afford to see a ballet then that’s ok. The bigger trips I save up for, sometimes over several years, to make sure I get there. There is no secret formula; save for it, book it and go to it. I have the luxury of time and disposable income so its easier for me than people who have families and full time jobs. It is harder in other ways though; I have to book assistance ahead when travelling because I struggle on and off trains with luggage without some help, I would always book assistance in an airport in the future because I cannot stand in queues for long periods of time. I have to think about the places I stay carefully and plan more than the average person. I sometimes have to pay more for a hotel or a venue that is more accessible.

On my notice board I have a to do list of places I would like to see and experiences I would like to have and this year I will be ticking some off the list because it is the last year of my thirties and I want to see it out in style! I have a ticket to see Robbie Williams in the summer – I have wanted to do this several times, but every time the date came near I had a relapse, so fingers crossed for this time. I will be having a tattoo and I have already started with the purple hair and matching purple Doc Martens of course. I will be booking a trip on the Eurostar to see Paris with a friend and we will meet up until we go with a guide book and sort out what we want to see – we will probably enjoy those evenings as much as the actual trip! Then just after I turn 40 I am saving up for a trip to Venice – hopefully at carnival time. I am so excited about all these things that I will work hard towards being well for them and the memories will last forever.

I used to wait to do things, thinking that I might go to Venice one day with someone I love or that I might stay in a particular hotel when I have a partner to do it with. Now I know that life is too short to wait. I have limited time in terms of my recovery/relapse cycle but also because MS can change suddenly. I would hate to find that I had waited to do all these things and then my disability made it impossible. It would also be wrong to wait for someone else to come along who might want to do it with me – I have not been very good at choosing a partner in life and don’t feel inclined to wait around any more. I want to feel and do everything in life that feeds my soul, build experiences and traditions that make me who I am and memories that last into the bad times.